Oh yeah..I bought a new car

Mentally drained; all I want to do is crawl into bed and dive into one of my mysteries--fantasy. I think I like them so much because I get to escape my own reality for a while.

How can someone whose been so blessed--I mean I just bought the nicest car I've ever 'owned'--and here I am in not the best mood. I guess it was the phone call I had with my daughter's dad. He thinks he's right; I think I'm right. Nuff said. He has a way of putting blame on everyone else except himself. I can't say I'm not guilty of the same, but all of this directing blame at me is getting a little old--especially I'm the only one who has shown any concern for my daughter's behavior. Her father is more concerned with being her best friend than a parent. Meanwhile, she's smoking pot right under his nose, in his house, while he's home for goodness sakes! Yet, I'm the bad guy, and I'M the one who needs to take a look in the mirrror. While I don't doubt that, I just wish he fess up to he role in this whole situation.

I was supposed to spend that last week and a half thinking about all this and planning for tomorrow's session, but I haven't. I'm disappointed in myself (for a lot of reasons), and I hate admitting it. I feel like they are siding against me, though. I really wish her dad wasn't there tomorrow. I can't express my feelings in front of him. I won't.

Sick of being feeling bad.

I felt lousy today--all day. It started out bad when I hit my alarm and went back to sleep for another hour. When I finally did get up, I was so disoriented that I lolly gagged so long I was ultimately almost an hour late for work. I've had a headache the entire day. At one point, it was so intense I felt nauseous and wondered if I'd make it through the rest of the day (as if I actually did any work today).

Gosh, I am no negative today (and most days). I want so much to change my outlook, my attitude, my viewpoint, my body, my relationships. I'm sick of being feeling this way.

I stumbled upon a website called Livestrong today and ended up registering. Not only did I sign up; I linked it to my blog and browsed it for several hours. I'm hoping it could turn out to be a great resource for me on my path to finding and achieving total wellness (mentally, physically and, perhaps, spiritually).

Dreams

I've been having these weird dreams lately, even nightmares. I think I startled myself awake from one of them a few nights ago, but I forget so easily sometimes. For this reason, I finally decided to get right up and write down my dream from last night/this morning, at least as much as I remember. Dreams are so abstract, it's often difficult to type out what I'm seeing without using the words "change in scenery."

It felt good to write about it, if only because it will not be lost in memory. It seems like I forget almost every dream the longer I wait to think about it after waking up. Even then, by the next day, it's gone. For example, I can't remember the dream I had the night before, even though I'd taken the time to think about and recount the dream. By today, it's gone. The only dreams that have stayed with me are the serious nightmares, the ones I don't want to remember, the ones that have had a profound impact on me, the ones that I usually wake from either startled, sweating, crying, or all of the above. The farthest one in my memory dates back to when I was a child--about maybe 4 or 5 years old. I'm really surprised I remember that, because I don't have many childhood memories that young. My memory has eroded so much that it sickens me. I hardly remember raising my daughter. I have only flashes of memory and pictures in my head of events. I can hardly recount a story my daughter remembers more than I do. It's also possible I blocked those younger years of my life out, the years when I was most vulnerable to the dysfunctional men in my family. But that's another story.

Anyways, I've now remembered something that I didn't want to, something I don't like thinking about. I think I'll dive into WoW and immerse myself in fantasy, so I can forget about real life for a little while. I don't want to start my day with these thoughts.

Horoscope

Saturday mornings (before the neighbors' kids get up) are awesome. I have a cup-o-tea next to me and ready to type.

I just read my horoscope, and it told me to stay my butt home (as if I don't always do that) and take care of my responsibilities before resuming the "party." I did plan to get out and purchase a new cell phone--requirement from the bank who'll be approving my car loan. I'll just find the cheapest thing I can get, since it will not be used. My horoscope continued to say I need to take care of my bills--LOL--and other things I've neglected to do up to now (like clean my dang house!!!). I shouldn't even be sitting here at this computer. I can't keep putting this off; this place needs a thorough cleaning.

After I finish up here, I'll probably play WoW for a while (mostly likely longer than I plan to) before starting to clean up. If I do get to the cleaning part, I'd normally only do a small part of what I initially planned to do....leaving the rest to sit until the clean part gets dirty again. Does that make any sense??? Boy, procrastination is a M****F****! I have got to find some motivation! You'd think a clean house would be reason enough to start cleaning my house. You'd think a fit and healthy body (not to mention more confidence and host of other benefits) would be reason enough to get some regular exercise. You'd think I'd do a lot of things I know are good for me. Why don't I? It's more than just procrastination. I literally get myself into trouble sometimes with it--like not responding to the IRS yet, when they screwed up my tax return. I've done nothing wrong, but I've still let it go. By doing so, I may be liable to pay a ridiculous amount of money. That is crazy! What's wrong with me? *sigh*

Alright, that's enough for today. I'll come back later and let you know if I really did clean my dang house.

RIP Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson died yesterday (Thursday, 6/25/09) of heart failure. He is mourned all over the world--on a staggering level. I don't think, in my years, that I've ever seen so many--worldwide--mourn of the death of a celebrity.

He will certainly be missed. I grew up with his music and watched him grow, progress, regress, and make comebacks. My heart goes out to his family.

Friday Eve...

Why did I go to bed so late--AGAIN? Thursdays are my longest days of the week at work. I should have been more responsible and gone to bed earlier. Here I sit, blogging, when I should be getting dressed.

Don't you just hate when you wake up in the morning, and your body feels like it's time for bed (vs. starting a new day)? Arrgh!

Well, time to get more caffeine in my system and get this party started. I'll likely be late for work--AGAIN!

*sigh*

It is meant to be!

Though I was online for hours (and even on Blogger for quite some time), I didn't post anything last night. I spent the whole time, while on Blogger, browsing through other peoples' blogs. Hey, at least I'm here now.

So I went down to the dealership after work yesterday--thinking I'd be test driving and (eventually) driving my car home. However, I was shocked to find out the car I wanted was pending transfer to another location. Apparently, the customer was filling out an application at the destination location. Guess what!!! He (or she) was turned down! I figured this must be meant to be! I'm supposed to go home in a sexy red Mustang!

The test-drive was wonderful! It's a little more compact inside than I thought, but then it is a sports car. It drives so smoothly, and goes fast! My friend showed up--since she had an appointment nearby--and took a picture of me in the car. LOL!

So here's the catch. They need a phone bill! It's part of the requirement from the qualifying bank. I don't use a home phone, and my job pays for my cell phone. I was told that I may be able to get by with a letter from my job stating that they pay for my cell phone and, if I ever decide not pay my car note, my phone would still be a point of contact for me....something like that. Carmax folks said they're not sure that will be enough, but it's worth a try. They're holding the car for no more than 24 hours (which means until 6pm tonight) for me. The problem is I'm not sure my job will be able to provide such a letter within the same day. I work for a very large company, and these things usually take DAYS, if not a week. It'll take some time just to track down the appropriate person.

Let's think positive! I will find the right person at work who can write such a letter. I will be able to get all of the necessary paperwork to Carmax on time. I WILL be approved by the bank for this car! I accept it! =)