Sick of being feeling bad.

I felt lousy today--all day. It started out bad when I hit my alarm and went back to sleep for another hour. When I finally did get up, I was so disoriented that I lolly gagged so long I was ultimately almost an hour late for work. I've had a headache the entire day. At one point, it was so intense I felt nauseous and wondered if I'd make it through the rest of the day (as if I actually did any work today).

Gosh, I am no negative today (and most days). I want so much to change my outlook, my attitude, my viewpoint, my body, my relationships. I'm sick of being feeling this way.

I stumbled upon a website called Livestrong today and ended up registering. Not only did I sign up; I linked it to my blog and browsed it for several hours. I'm hoping it could turn out to be a great resource for me on my path to finding and achieving total wellness (mentally, physically and, perhaps, spiritually).

Dreams

I've been having these weird dreams lately, even nightmares. I think I startled myself awake from one of them a few nights ago, but I forget so easily sometimes. For this reason, I finally decided to get right up and write down my dream from last night/this morning, at least as much as I remember. Dreams are so abstract, it's often difficult to type out what I'm seeing without using the words "change in scenery."

It felt good to write about it, if only because it will not be lost in memory. It seems like I forget almost every dream the longer I wait to think about it after waking up. Even then, by the next day, it's gone. For example, I can't remember the dream I had the night before, even though I'd taken the time to think about and recount the dream. By today, it's gone. The only dreams that have stayed with me are the serious nightmares, the ones I don't want to remember, the ones that have had a profound impact on me, the ones that I usually wake from either startled, sweating, crying, or all of the above. The farthest one in my memory dates back to when I was a child--about maybe 4 or 5 years old. I'm really surprised I remember that, because I don't have many childhood memories that young. My memory has eroded so much that it sickens me. I hardly remember raising my daughter. I have only flashes of memory and pictures in my head of events. I can hardly recount a story my daughter remembers more than I do. It's also possible I blocked those younger years of my life out, the years when I was most vulnerable to the dysfunctional men in my family. But that's another story.

Anyways, I've now remembered something that I didn't want to, something I don't like thinking about. I think I'll dive into WoW and immerse myself in fantasy, so I can forget about real life for a little while. I don't want to start my day with these thoughts.

Horoscope

Saturday mornings (before the neighbors' kids get up) are awesome. I have a cup-o-tea next to me and ready to type.

I just read my horoscope, and it told me to stay my butt home (as if I don't always do that) and take care of my responsibilities before resuming the "party." I did plan to get out and purchase a new cell phone--requirement from the bank who'll be approving my car loan. I'll just find the cheapest thing I can get, since it will not be used. My horoscope continued to say I need to take care of my bills--LOL--and other things I've neglected to do up to now (like clean my dang house!!!). I shouldn't even be sitting here at this computer. I can't keep putting this off; this place needs a thorough cleaning.

After I finish up here, I'll probably play WoW for a while (mostly likely longer than I plan to) before starting to clean up. If I do get to the cleaning part, I'd normally only do a small part of what I initially planned to do....leaving the rest to sit until the clean part gets dirty again. Does that make any sense??? Boy, procrastination is a M****F****! I have got to find some motivation! You'd think a clean house would be reason enough to start cleaning my house. You'd think a fit and healthy body (not to mention more confidence and host of other benefits) would be reason enough to get some regular exercise. You'd think I'd do a lot of things I know are good for me. Why don't I? It's more than just procrastination. I literally get myself into trouble sometimes with it--like not responding to the IRS yet, when they screwed up my tax return. I've done nothing wrong, but I've still let it go. By doing so, I may be liable to pay a ridiculous amount of money. That is crazy! What's wrong with me? *sigh*

Alright, that's enough for today. I'll come back later and let you know if I really did clean my dang house.

RIP Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson died yesterday (Thursday, 6/25/09) of heart failure. He is mourned all over the world--on a staggering level. I don't think, in my years, that I've ever seen so many--worldwide--mourn of the death of a celebrity.

He will certainly be missed. I grew up with his music and watched him grow, progress, regress, and make comebacks. My heart goes out to his family.

Friday Eve...

Why did I go to bed so late--AGAIN? Thursdays are my longest days of the week at work. I should have been more responsible and gone to bed earlier. Here I sit, blogging, when I should be getting dressed.

Don't you just hate when you wake up in the morning, and your body feels like it's time for bed (vs. starting a new day)? Arrgh!

Well, time to get more caffeine in my system and get this party started. I'll likely be late for work--AGAIN!

*sigh*

It is meant to be!

Though I was online for hours (and even on Blogger for quite some time), I didn't post anything last night. I spent the whole time, while on Blogger, browsing through other peoples' blogs. Hey, at least I'm here now.

So I went down to the dealership after work yesterday--thinking I'd be test driving and (eventually) driving my car home. However, I was shocked to find out the car I wanted was pending transfer to another location. Apparently, the customer was filling out an application at the destination location. Guess what!!! He (or she) was turned down! I figured this must be meant to be! I'm supposed to go home in a sexy red Mustang!

The test-drive was wonderful! It's a little more compact inside than I thought, but then it is a sports car. It drives so smoothly, and goes fast! My friend showed up--since she had an appointment nearby--and took a picture of me in the car. LOL!

So here's the catch. They need a phone bill! It's part of the requirement from the qualifying bank. I don't use a home phone, and my job pays for my cell phone. I was told that I may be able to get by with a letter from my job stating that they pay for my cell phone and, if I ever decide not pay my car note, my phone would still be a point of contact for me....something like that. Carmax folks said they're not sure that will be enough, but it's worth a try. They're holding the car for no more than 24 hours (which means until 6pm tonight) for me. The problem is I'm not sure my job will be able to provide such a letter within the same day. I work for a very large company, and these things usually take DAYS, if not a week. It'll take some time just to track down the appropriate person.

Let's think positive! I will find the right person at work who can write such a letter. I will be able to get all of the necessary paperwork to Carmax on time. I WILL be approved by the bank for this car! I accept it! =)

I'm Thankful For...

...morning coffee and tea (and the people who invented them).
...my new computer, which makes it enjoyable to be online.
...my health, my legs, my eyes, my hair.
...my voice.
...my JOB!
...my GOD--should've thought of him first.
...my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ.
...my blessings.
...the results of my blessings.
...fun morning news (like Fox5) that makes me want watch.
...for my daughter (though things are hard at the moment).
...for my daughter's father; he has flaws but is a good dad.
...my wonderful best-friends, who really care about me.
...the new car I'm getting today! Yay!
...the kind of surprises that remind you to hope; it does get better.
...my smile and warm feeling I have from starting this post.
...today.

Tired...but I made it.

Well, I did it. I came back for a second day. Baby steps...just glad I haven't created something on a whim and left it lingering out there in cyberspace. I'm on my way to being a blogger! Yay!

Today was the family counseling session with my daughter and her dad--the first of a few probably. I had to agree to let her stay at her dad's for another week--until our 2nd session--to let things cool down a bit more. I haven't spoken to my daughter in a week and a half (not even during the whole 2 hours we were at this place). That's mostly because she hasn't spoken to me, and I guess I've been waiting for her to cool off. Why do I find myself timid around my daughter who is acting like a spoiled drama queen turned juvenile delinquent? Sheesh, how do these kids turn things around like that? I was never that good at her age.

I know I'm procrastinating about talking about the situation with my daughter, but I just feel too tired to do it now. There's a lot to type out, and I should be headed to bed already. Then again, will I just do the same thing tomorrow night? Will I find some excuse (a good one in my mind) to keep from doing what needs to be done? I was playing World of Warcraft since I got home tonight, which is why I didn't have time to blog.

To be honest, sometimes World of Warcraft (WoW) is like a second job. Haha! At the level I play, we have organized "raids" scheduled throughout the week. These raids involve 24 other people who also have jobs and don't rush home to log on just to wait around hoping I'll show up. Some weeks I don't sign up. But when I do sign up, I have to be committed to doing it. Sometimes I sign up thinking I'll really, really want to raid. Then when the day comes, whether it be work or other circumstances, I just don't feel like it....and I have to. See now...why can't I have that kind of commitment to working out?!?! =/

Anyways, I can talk about raiding and WoW later. I will also talk about my daughter later. For now, I'm glad GOD got us to this appointment and we made it through. It didn't go as bad as I thought, but I so hate being the bad guy. Sometimes your kids will just break your heart, and you wonder why the heck you deserve it.

'Twas a good day

Well, the day ended on a positive note (as far as the car shopping goes). It didn't start that way, though. I spent a few hours at the first place I went to. Let me just say it sucks when you get your heart set on something just to be turned down because of your credit. I do understand that my credit is a reflection of me (and my trustworthiness--is that a word?). Anyways, I honestly probably wouldn't sell me a car either.

On the other hand, there are some shady dealerships out there. The first place I went to today not only turned me down, but they continued to try and show me lower class (and older) model cars as the hours passed. In the end, I had two options (for double the down payment I was hoping to spend). One was some sort of minivan (a Quest). AS IF! I may have a kid--a teenager, but I'm still young enough to want something at least a little cool. It's not even that so much as it is the thought of putting down double the money for something I would have never thought of buying. The other option was some car that just showed up on one of their other lots--that none of us had seen--with over 100k miles on it (also for double the down payment). My eyes were a little watery as I left there. I was thinking to myself, is this all that there is for me? Do I really have to settle like this?. Then again, I thought there had to be more options. I mean this is just one dealership.

I decided to stop at Carmax on my way home. To sum my experience up, I wish I'd have gone there months ago. I did qualify for a car--at a higher interest rate of course, because of my horrible credit--a car that I'll feel good about driving. Moreover, a car that will boost my self-esteem instead of making me want to stay home everyday. Since they were closing by the time I got there, all we really had time for was the qualifying part. Now that I have qualified, my job over the next day or two is to select a vehicle that matches the requirements/features established (based on my credit, income, etc.). I've already found at least 4 that I like.

I hope to hang on to this good feeling well into tomorrow night--when I have to sit down with a family councilor and my daughter (and hopefully her dad). It is way too late to get into that, but I'll definitely have to get it out soon. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow. To be honest, I don't know how to act. I have so much to say right now, but it's 10pm and I know I need to start preparing for bed. I haven't been getting enough sleep in so long, I believe it is part of what has been making me forgetful lately. That's also a subject that can take up a full post. Anyways, I'll shove off now.

I just had a thought; maybe I should end my posts with all of the things I'm thankful for (at least at that moment). Here goes:

• I'm thankful for the conversation I had with my wise mother. Just when I think no one knows what I'm going through, I realize this woman has seen it all and can actually help me if I let her.
• I'm thankful for the one friend I have that has been there for me even when I've shut everyone out. I'm thankful that she accepts me for me. I'm thankful that she knows me and my flakiness (and mood swings) and understands. She never holds it against me. It's surprising, because of all the friends I used to have, she's the newest. I appreciate her so much and should tell her more often.
• I'm thankful that God made me get off my lazy, procrastinating, butt and go car hunting today.
• I'm thankful for a good experience at Carmax tonight.
• I'm thankful--and proud of myself--for actually coming back and posting a second time today like I said I would. Believe me, I almost didn't.

Goodnight.

*P.S. - Why in the hell would I want a damn minivan? LOL! I'm still single! How would it look if I pulled up to a date with a dang minivan? I don't have a tribe of kids! =/

1st Day of the Rest of My Life

I'm sitting here, on my 3rd cup of tea, thinking hard about a title for a post I haven't even created yet. I created this blog on Friday to give myself a place where I can write down (or type) my thoughts and feelings. It took me several hours to finally do it, and I even created my first post...only to abruptly delete it. I guess I'm afraid someone I know will read it. I care way too much about what people think, and lately enough of them think I'm weird; I'm starting to believe it myself. I figure if I get all this stuff out (even if no one reads it--especially if no one reads it), maybe I can correct the weirdness.

I would love to become a writer some day, but I rarely write anything. That's "weird" in itself, to want something and not even try to achieve it--to do absolutely nothing to get it--and just go one wanting it. I do that a lot; it's called procrastination. I've done it my whole life. I've let so many things slip by me, things that were rightfully mine, and live with so much regret about literally watching them pass me up. I might even go as far as to say shove them away while longing for them at the same time. See! Weird! I am a perfect example of someone who "gets in their own way." I am the epitome of a procrastinator.

There, now that's out of the way. I have so much to say, but I don't think it should all be a part of the same post, or this post could become very long. There is the situation with my daughter, which is the latest crisis I'm dealing with. Secondly, there is my long history of depression (that no one really knows about). It's very hard to keep up appearances while trying to hide this. But, again, that is a post (or BOOK) in itself. There are my financial responsibilities, depts, my irresponsibility with my credit. There is my irresponsibility period! There is my weight, my lack of motivation for the past few years (or several years), my letting myself go to the point I don't like what I see in the mirror--for many reasons. There's my habit of flaking on everyone in my life. There is me getting these great ideas and never following through. There is me being able to motivate others (when I feel it's necessary), but cannot motivate myself; I rarely--if ever--follow my own advise. There is also this compulsive behavior I think I have. *Edit: I deleted what I had and thought it best not to go into details about my compulsion. It's not that bad, I just didn't think it's a good idea to put that out there. Moreover, it would incredibly embarrassing if anyone ever found out. I'd be just horrified. =(

That paragraph, and much more, should probably be separate posts. But is a blog supposed to be planned like that? Isn't this just a space for me to do what I want, when I want, and how I want? For this to be as beneficial to me as I want it to be, maybe I should treat it as more of a journal or diary and type out my daily events, thoughts and feelings (and why I feel that way, and what I think I should do to avoid any negative feelings/actions in the future--even if I don't stick to it). *Edit: that was the longest run-on sentence in history, but I won't change it. =) I suppose the exercise is enough in itself.

I'm stilling trying to figure out how I will use this blog. Maybe I'll create two separate posts each day, one for paragraph three and one for daily journaling. That might work! We'll see. Side note: I keep fighting the urge to delete! Arrgh! The point is to just type it all out, regardless of spelling, errors, grammar, and whether or not it would be acceptable to others. *Sigh*

My first step is to ACTUALLY USE this resource. So many times I've started something and didn't finish it. I need a change, and I hope this becomes a first positive change. I'll probably be back later to talk about my day. For now, I have got to get dressed and get out of this apartment for a change. I'm supposed to be car hunting right now, something else I've been procrastinating about. I CAN DO THIS! =)